Sometimes it takes several drafts to create a true masterpiece!

Actors often talk about the pressure of trying to play the character in the screenplay and making the author proud.. When the movie tops the charts, authors confidently swank about the director's perfect pick and how no other actor could have played that role.  When the movie flunks, well we don't really hear much from the author.  I often wondered, right before the movie premiered, when the movie is played in its final form, if the actor didn't exactly "nail it", will the author and director then readjust the story based on the newly-created character? or would they both feel that too much time, money and energy have been spent to re-tweak and redo scenes until the actor has cloned his character to become what he or she was supposed to be and hope that the audience would walk away seeing solely the exact character that was meant for that role.

For so long, I stressed about my own character in this movie called life.. I wrote my book in my late teens. I was so sure, I would be in control and know exactly how each chapter would unfold.  I often kept the lead actor vague but certainly had no doubt that there would be one.  As the years passed, I re-adjusted him accordingly.  Every 5 years, I would fine-tune the details based on who was in my life and where I see it headed.  I mastered the art of seeing the big picture and often consciously and deliberately did not dot the i's or cross the t's - because.. well it's just who I am. I looked far into the future and ran towards that perfect-picture life - you know, the one that consists of a career, husband, cozy house, kids, and of course at that point I just assumed when I attained it all then happiness was a given.   

Two decades have passed since I last held the paint brush and painted this image in my head - I have now just entered my 30's and my life could not be further away from the main character in my book.  Earlier today, in my aha moment I decided to rip that picture from the pad on the easel and take that brush and paint a new picture -  A picture that perhaps concentrated around just a lead actress without the lead actor.  A picture that was not traditional, a picture that no longer painted the future - but the present.  I started slowly putting the pieces together, trying different colors and different brushes. I wanted to create a masterpiece! A picture that I would call my own and be proud of.  At the end, when I closed my eyes, I was happily living with my husband and our two babies in a cozy home.  

I have come to terms that I've always known what I wanted and I always see the big picture.. never the details - though I'd like to very much change that about myself, I just simply cannot.  But glad to say, as hard as it was and as painful as it is, I have now decided to erase the face of the lead actor.  A face that for the past 8 years, was one of the few undeniable details in my story that I was so sure would never need tweaking or re-adjusting.  I have decided he will remain faceless until the time comes.  

You see I often did what authors do.  During my first relationship, I readjusted the story based on a character that was very different from the lead actor in my own movie.  My second relationship, though the character was identical to the lead actor, there were too many irrefutable obstacles that neither one of us had control over, I felt too much time was spent and I hoped that the audience, mainly myself, can wake up everyday seeing the character and life that was meant to be as opposed to what it was.  Both movies flunked!  But I'm pretty sure that even Picasso, Matisse and Duchamp had several drafts of the same piece of art before it was considered a masterpiece. 

Would we have sympathy if he didn't look like a rockstar?

I recently read the controversial Rolling Stones' 18-page article on the Boston Bomber (BB).  If this were a movie script, readers would have felt nothing but love and sympathy towards this young charmer and nothing but hatred towards his older brother.  But the reality of the destruction caused on that fateful day in April, kept us all feeling on the fence with mixed emotions.

Loved by all his friends and professors, BB was expected to become someone who would stand out in society - someone whose peers and mentors would proudly say "I knew he would become someone", he sure stood out in society but sadly he will forever be plagued by his actions, keeping all who knew him flabbergasted.

There is no doubt in anyone's mind that BB was greatly influenced by his older brother.  According to this article, in the Chechen culture, like many other cultures, an older brother is considered to be the head of the household, the voice of reason, the voice of authority and to young BB, he was the only voice to look up to and follow.   Other articles mirrored the same justification by repeatedly stating that he was young and "probably" too scared to speak up or question his brother.  A boy with a bright future will later become the monster who changed the lives of many, killing innocent people in his own hometown.  Everyone wants to know why? articles are being published on the daily, and documentaries are attempting to go "inside the mind of the killer" and all fingers are being pointed at the evil older brother.

A cop out and disgrace to the families affected!  Values and morals are instilled in us at a very young age - society molds us, experiences change us but at the end of the day, we are all individuals with our own free will.   We adapt to become who we are expected to be. Actions have consequences and every move affects us and those around us - that's just simply Human Behavior 101.

While we always seem so interested to learn about the persona of the "monster" mostly out of curiosity but also to watch for patterns and to learn how we can better avoid such catastrophes in the future, I can't help but feel disappointed that we live in a society where none of these articles would have highlighted "the charmer" and "bright person" that BB was, had he looked a little more like Zawahiri or one of his men in Guantanamo and a little less like a rockstar with great hair and a baby face.  I know Rolling Stones wouldn't have run the story and if so, they certainly wouldn't have put him on the cover page!

Religion?

Gandhi once said "the soul of religion is one, but it is encased in a multitude of forms” - in other words, religion can be anything from worshipping Jesus, son of God to idolizing cows - perhaps I should have written this blog before devouring my holy cheeseburger - now that's got me thinking, is hinduism responsible for the expression holy cow! ?

I believe there is only one religion out there and that is the religion of God - a higher being.  I recently took a class on World's religions, ok not recently - I was in college - years ago, and the one thing that stood out was the fact that the same characters were reappearing in each holy book written in different parts of the world in different eras - so Jesus, the messiah in the bible was Jesus, the prophet in the Qur'an while rabbi Milton Steinberg wrote in the early 1900's that Jews saw the historical Jesus as a noble and loving Jewish teacher, and the list of similarities exceeded 3 pages of notes, written by me - some words are incomprehensible, but I believe that's due to the fact that this class was at 8:00 am on a Monday.   

Given the time and conditions during which these tales were written, one must assume that there is some truth to it.  There was no internet to share stories, or infrastructure and planes or cars to travel from one part of the world to the other, there were perhaps ships that were built to cross rivers but weren't strong enough to withstand winds or sea creatures, known as sharks today to make it from across oceans.  Most people couldn't cross from one side of the island to the other, well unless your name was Moses, in which case you didn't need a ship because well, you could just split the waters and traverse on foot. 

So I can only conclude one thing from all this - All holy books are based on true stories - kind of like James Frey's A Million Little Pieces - with an abundance of exaggeration to sell it to the world.  Luckily these holy books were never in the Oprah Club, otherwise they would have been pulled out.  So in other words, these holy books include the truth, however, most stories didn't make much sense, so the gaps were filled with rules and laws to maintain order in each society.  Furthermore, it became suffice to simply believe that all is possible with God instead of questioning facts in these books - how can a man walk on water? or split a river? or rise from the dead? well, where facts end faith begins.  

Whether it's true or not, it is clear that all these books are filled with facts that were altered, shaped and molded to fit each society and I'm pretty damn sure the person responsible was a man.   I don't mean a human when I say man, that's given, I mean a man, a guy not a woman -  a higher being never actually said to marry four women, in fact I'm surprised that Sunday or Saturday  was only a rest day and not a "let your man watch football all day while you cook in the kitchen" day. 

Whatever your religion is - whatever your faith is - you have to admit that while each holy book is filled with positive, loving and god-like messages, it is also filled with hypocritical, biased, egoistic or man-like messages.  It is insane to be turning the cheek every time you get screwed over, it is insane to kill innocent people in the name of god, and don't even get me started on the "you're going to hell if you have sex before marriage" - I think my dad had something to do with that last input.  We do the best we can with the teachings we've learned and the faith to the higher being that helps us get through things but going by a book that was written by men - this time I mean humans - and believing that you are higher and better than the rest based on this book, is a hypocritical judgement on your part and just plain ridiculous!  

We tend to blame religion for everything, the good and the bad - help each other, marry four women, love one another, submit to God to enter the gates of heaven, don't do laundry on Sundays, don't shower on Saturdays, don't use electronics, don't eat beef, don't eat pork, don't make love unless you're married, don't lie, don't cheat, love your parents unconditionally, kill in the name of God, love your enemies, kill your enemies, heaven, hell, reincarnation, and the list goes on. We hide and justify our actions with these books even if it means we're hurting others, physically or emotionally. I'm sorry but telling someone they're going to hell because of which hole they like to put it in the privacy of their home is not the same as love one another, forgive one another and accept one another, is it? and this list goes on.  

Bottom line is, most of us need religion to help us get through things because sometimes we are not strong enough to accept our mistakes, our decisions and our lives and we need to have faith in something bigger than us, something that soothes us, keeps us under control, and provides us with the help we need.  My dad found it in a can of Budweiser, my friend found it in a blue pill, my colleague found it in Dr. Massy, her psychiatrist, and I found it in everything that's moving around me - life and those who are in it keep me grounded.  I am  not an atheist by no means, I certainly believe in a higher being just by looking around - this world we live in is way too magically beautiful and unexplainably mysterious to be just a world without a God - but I sure as hell don't judge you based on what book you follow or what ideas you have so long as you don't judge who I am.  To end this blog, one quote that comes to mind is that of Karl Menninger, who once said "It is doubtless true that religion has been the world's psychiatrist throughout the centuries".