Sometimes it takes several drafts to create a true masterpiece!

Actors often talk about the pressure of trying to play the character in the screenplay and making the author proud.. When the movie tops the charts, authors confidently swank about the director's perfect pick and how no other actor could have played that role.  When the movie flunks, well we don't really hear much from the author.  I often wondered, right before the movie premiered, when the movie is played in its final form, if the actor didn't exactly "nail it", will the author and director then readjust the story based on the newly-created character? or would they both feel that too much time, money and energy have been spent to re-tweak and redo scenes until the actor has cloned his character to become what he or she was supposed to be and hope that the audience would walk away seeing solely the exact character that was meant for that role.

For so long, I stressed about my own character in this movie called life.. I wrote my book in my late teens. I was so sure, I would be in control and know exactly how each chapter would unfold.  I often kept the lead actor vague but certainly had no doubt that there would be one.  As the years passed, I re-adjusted him accordingly.  Every 5 years, I would fine-tune the details based on who was in my life and where I see it headed.  I mastered the art of seeing the big picture and often consciously and deliberately did not dot the i's or cross the t's - because.. well it's just who I am. I looked far into the future and ran towards that perfect-picture life - you know, the one that consists of a career, husband, cozy house, kids, and of course at that point I just assumed when I attained it all then happiness was a given.   

Two decades have passed since I last held the paint brush and painted this image in my head - I have now just entered my 30's and my life could not be further away from the main character in my book.  Earlier today, in my aha moment I decided to rip that picture from the pad on the easel and take that brush and paint a new picture -  A picture that perhaps concentrated around just a lead actress without the lead actor.  A picture that was not traditional, a picture that no longer painted the future - but the present.  I started slowly putting the pieces together, trying different colors and different brushes. I wanted to create a masterpiece! A picture that I would call my own and be proud of.  At the end, when I closed my eyes, I was happily living with my husband and our two babies in a cozy home.  

I have come to terms that I've always known what I wanted and I always see the big picture.. never the details - though I'd like to very much change that about myself, I just simply cannot.  But glad to say, as hard as it was and as painful as it is, I have now decided to erase the face of the lead actor.  A face that for the past 8 years, was one of the few undeniable details in my story that I was so sure would never need tweaking or re-adjusting.  I have decided he will remain faceless until the time comes.  

You see I often did what authors do.  During my first relationship, I readjusted the story based on a character that was very different from the lead actor in my own movie.  My second relationship, though the character was identical to the lead actor, there were too many irrefutable obstacles that neither one of us had control over, I felt too much time was spent and I hoped that the audience, mainly myself, can wake up everyday seeing the character and life that was meant to be as opposed to what it was.  Both movies flunked!  But I'm pretty sure that even Picasso, Matisse and Duchamp had several drafts of the same piece of art before it was considered a masterpiece.